🐼 Maybe it’s time to sunset
The imposter soul is taking control
Heyaa
How often do you feel like an imposter? Lately, I have been feeling like one… a lot.
I don't really know anything, you know. At most, I pick one and one and make it two, somehow... Things are working just like that.
Even this newsletter runs just like that. No plans, no topics. Just a few random incidents from the week stitched together.
Oh wait!
It’s not the usual Sunday morning seven o’clock now. I’m writing this at 2.48. 2.48 PM. Monday. September 4.
Something big took my Sunday off track.
Took all my books out for fresh air. To build a digital database, actually, of my owned books. Started around 11 and sorted everything by 5. Only 2-3 hours of actual work, rest in breaks.
Listed 175 books in total. A few textbooks, some non-fiction and a lot of old fiction.
But why all this trouble?
Ah, glad you asked. It’s for this:
An online library where people can connect and lend/borrow/exchange books from other BookBeezzz. A long way to go, but it’s a start.
So, that was what my Sunday was about. The library has some 850 books listed so far. About 700 of Anmol and 175 mines.
It wasn’t a tough task. Anmol suggested this Book Catalogue app that added book details by scanning the ISBN codes. It found information for most books easily. I had to enter only about 15-20 books manually.
But I didn’t have the energy to write the newsletter.
Now, today, I am back to feeling like an imposter. I am not sure about anything these days.
You know, it took me three years to understand the difference between THAT and WHICH.
Yes, three years into professional writing. Asked a friend to explain, too. But got only momentary clarity. I had to check the difference online whenever I used one of them in a sentence.
Every time I had to use that and which, I would be blank again.
Then, I read it in some book… It was either Sin and Syntax or Eats Shoots and Leaves. I don’t remember. The examples I saw made some sense finally.
I loved both books, by the way.
Now, I finally understand how to use that/which when I have to use them. But I still can’t explain the distinction.
Silly, right? No idea how I came so far.
Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m doing, like literally. I do things just with muscle memory without being aware of the process. At other times, it’s intuition.
Maybe it’s because of books and TV series. Instead of relying on grammar rules, I mostly go by listening to the sound a sentence makes in my head.
So, you just listen to your guts. You just believe your muscles. You get used to the process. You get used to the language.
By the way, these days, I do a good mix of Hindi, Bengali and English in one sentence, almost effortlessly. Not a good thing, I know. But better than not using (mother tongue) Bengali at all.
Now, it doesn’t mean I’m open to conversations now. Na na, not at all. I still prefer silence.
It got awkward for me recently when I caught up with a few friends… on video. It was our first video call… the first in the 6 or so years we have known each other.
I remained silent except for the initial hellos while the others (two people) talked. Only when a question was directed to me, I finally began talking.
It was casual chit-chat mostly. Some professional discussions, too. Like, they counted the things I tried in these years. This freelance writer version of Abhijeet has survived the longest somehow. It has been a good run. Now, maybe it’s time to sunset.
Sunset this freelance version of Abhijeet? Don’t you think it has run too long? Of course, with minor upgrades here and there. But it’s tiring me down now.
I’m not enjoying it much. I’m enjoying content creation. But only that. The other things that come with freelancing: seeking clients, maintaining communication, networking… and a hundred other things; those I’m not enjoying.
Also, client content isn’t entirely in my control. Edits and updates, maintaining brand consistency and other things take effort, right?
So, spending more and more time on my own projects these days. In fact, last month, I worked more on myself… after years. Published seven articles on my store’s blog. Not anything on my book blog. But then, I did Reels daily.
Just trying to love my work. To do something that excites me. Something just for myself.
Maybe Book Blabber is my next love, maybe not. For now, I’m enjoying it. The blog is coming up in searches. Making occasional merch sales through referrals. Even Reels are performing. One Reel went viral even.
These book quotes and random thoughts Reels are going well for me as far as profile reach is concerned.
Just pairing them with new audio (doesn't matter if it’s not trending). If the audio, video and text complement each other, my Reel is good to go.
Some Reels perform, others tank. But that’s how Instagram is. I am just experimenting. I am no guru. I know nothing.
Oh, it’s 5.30 now. Took a long time. Was distracted multiple times. Posted a Reel. Had some snacks. A bunch of WhatsApp discussions. Just the regulars, you know.
I guess that’s all for today.
Bidding adieu.
Live long and prosper.
See you next week, with another story.
PS… Didn't listen to anything while writing. But now, I'll be playing this:
Thoughts cleanser… for the next task in the list.